Tantrum

Originally published 8/05/22

Wow I just had the most incredible performance of my life.  ( strong suggestion to listen to this song while reading)

Literally just counted the minutes, it was at 8:20pm PST 8/4/2022. On my bed I cried to the air “just fucking what?? like literally what is this? I do my little belief things… tried on faith, ew- aaahhh. Do my spells and honor Venus and Jupiter… all for thissss present moment??? This piece of shit feeling moment?? I don’t even know what the substance is that is giving me the ability to describe this moment as real shitty- but wowwwow I feel it with all of my body.”
And then I very much so baby sobbed.

And then I cried more and said “For REAL my dudes… my dudes?? who the fuck.. if anything is **something special** in this world, MAKE some one send me a goddamn message because I’m imploding. make them.”

Then I took a shower and thought “how do I care enough to bathe right now? I feel it so necessary to wash **this** out of my hair, but I literally feel the most lackliest of care and am very uncomfortable with existence right now.”

I dry off and plop on my bed and hug a pillow. I am starting to be thankful for this pillow. I think to myself “I care enough to provide myself this moment of self soothing…?”  My tantrum fights through, “this is NOT a human you are still horribly alone!” I look at my phone… NO ONE HAS SENT ME A MESSAGE. *opens instagram*. Sees a pretty lotus picture posted by a ghost.

Thich Nhat Hanh (Official)."Both suffering and happiness are of an organic nature, which means they are both transitory; they are always changing. The flower, when it wilts, becomes the compost. The compost can help grow a flower again. Happiness is also organic and impermanent by nature. It can become suffering and suffering can become happiness again.

In each of our Plum Village practice centers around the world, we have a lotus pond. Everyone knows we need to have mud for lotuses to grow. The mud doesn’t smell so good, but the lotus flower smells very good. If you don’t have mud, the lotus won’t manifest. You can’t grow lotus flowers on marble. Without mud, there can be no lotus.

It is possible of course to get stuck in the “mud” of life. It’s easy enough to notice mud all over you at times. The hardest thing to practice is not allowing yourself to be overwhelmed by despair. When you’re overwhelmed by despair, all you can see is suffering everywhere you look. You feel as if the worst thing is happening to you. But we must remember that suffering is a kind of mud that we need in order to generate joy and happiness. Without suffering, there’s no happiness. So we shouldn’t discriminate against the mud. We have to learn how to embrace and cradle our own suffering and the suffering of the world, with a lot of tenderness.

If you know how to make good use of the mud, you can grow beautiful lotuses. If you know how to make good use of suffering, you can produce happiness. We do need some suffering to make happiness possible. And most of us have enough suffering inside and around us to be able to do that. We don’t have to create more."

Thich Nhat Hanh in "No Mud, No Lotus" (Parallax Press 2015)

*sends an email.

I sometimes, like right now, don’t know why I love everyone so much- but I do.

🥲🥲🥲🥲

now that my condition has made movement since an hour ago, I am happy to again invite anyone to come and meditate tomorrow morning at 7am PST.  Join at this link.  There will be meditations every fucking day most certainly until November.
I think my tantrum and the movement of it is direct result of this meditation work.  If this piques your interest, go on and give a google into things of this manner.