today god is smoke.

it smote me.

I am in nature today as a part of me has been asking to touch a tree- reminding me that for a little over a year I’ve been tangled in a looong trigger. And in that year plus I’ve ceased my nearly 4xs a week hikes into the very accessible parks in my neighborhood. A habit formed from lock-down.

As I enter Debs park I start to think about my spirituality. What incredible concepts I’ve come to understand, the rituals I do, the beliefs I’ve tried on.

As I’m writing now, I’m remembering that while in bed this morning, I was slowly rising with a full dialogue of voiced thoughts ocurring. So many words happening- things being explained- to who??- I split from those conversations a moment and think - “does it ever stop??”

Of course, an un-unique question~ but in the very next moment I had a weird feeling and thought to myself

“whoa! Am I truly feeling separate from god right now! In full earnest! Wow, I’m not even wavering or trying to think my way out of this regular feeling that I maybe have never just had?? Usually I feel a mystery or am in effort of finding the connections if anything.. but right now I am in this body wowwww.”

Then I scanned every spiritual & religious tangent and tributary I’ve been down, all those journeys in the efforts of figuring it out. Or landing somewhere. (Mind you… do not let the word *god* take you to a regular place when I say it. Generally speaking, I say *god* to have a shortcut to describe a felt presence of like 𝒴𝑒𝓈... 𝓌𝒽𝑜𝒶, 𝒸𝑜𝑜𝓁. 𝓂𝑒𝒶𝓃𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓂𝒶𝓉𝓉𝑒𝓇𝒾𝓃𝑔)

And then… while still in bed thinking, it HIT. Genuinely just so matter-of-factly. But very much unremarkably. I see *god*. Lol, did that happen too fast? Oh well.

Like as if this were god’s personality, I see a vague image in my head of a thing made of everything. It’s impressed upon my mind that this is a magnetic smoke monster(???). With soooo many smoke arms and hands holding various tools like ladles and bowls… a rag wiping the air in a cleaning fashion.

I feel like It notices me noticing It. And that felt like an encounter with a coyote on a walk. No emotion, just noticing and then continuing in whatever way necessary or instinctually. This smoke thing- literally just side-eyeing me… looking at me because I am looking at it. And then in my head I’m communicating to myself I guess:

“Oh you’re god and all those things and you will not stop but also stopping is illusory. The meaning I desire is arbitrary, but directorially inclined. My experience is my own, but influence is amok. Things feel important to share and then instantly disintegrate. Because, with an importance you create a duty that you must get others to validate your mission, and then that makes your sharing feel constrained. Art just exists no matter… and as an artist you agree to be an eruption that people simply see- but influence is always amok. Allow relativity through.

And then my brain is wanting me to play a game of acronym’ing it lol.

• Arbitrary Relating Technique

• Analogous Release Tool

*end of the smoke demon influenced dialogue*

I started writing this because I indeed came to nature in the form of a park. I almost didn’t bring my phone because I have picked up on the trend of demonizing it’s innocent presence. I’m glad I brought my influential demon who has powers of immortalizing the precious things that bring me wonder.

I like close ups of small plant things. So much detail or ruggedness in these tiny things. I love to see these beautiful intricacies in tiny, small things. I stared up close with the the kind and willing assistance of my demon at these mountainous corrugations:

And emotion rang deeply inside the structure of my body. I thought about all the separate years of smaller me’s that each contain so much information, depth and intelligence.

It’s pretty regular to discount the bandwidth of something small, Isn’t it? And this is just simply an off shoot of hierarchical thinking that is arbitrary.

I’m looking back at me- a little one; and actually physically quite petite… “chicken legs” I was called amongst other weird things to put inside the hard drive of a child.

A small being part of an evolution in the world at large. Hailing from a stream of unique choices that formed her… invited her? forced her?~ connected by a fluid filled with information.

However, I still arrived into this breath cycle quite unhindered. There is a deep cellular memory of which I have no choice, and I also may never encounter it… intellectually, at least.

This far out place I’m at right now is influenced by the recent discomfort I’ve felt in relationships. Specifically, today I experienced tension around the tiny things that I do to experience ease and peace at home. How often it is that my ease is interrupted because currently I’m the only one capable of upholding the tiny routines that emit a peace for me. Because I’m the only one that knows about these routines. I got upset… very upset as it took me down a trail of realizing how, for a majority of my life, I’ve gone out of my way to accommodate the comforts of those around me… because it brings me comfort when I know others are comfortable because my comfort could never come first for various childhood life reasons you can imagine that veer more on the complex ptsd side as opposed to a very obvious big event style ptsd.

And at the speed of light that thoughts are, I arrived at a place of

“But it’s ok that this is my reality right now. And it is also ok that these tiny things matter to me and are my preference. It’s also quite incredible to have this new knowledge because life will actually be different now and that was unexpected.

So as I further pondered the intricacies of the small things I like to do… for to experience ease in my day to day living- I discover their origin is not little. The 2 dimensional’ness of the words small and tiny, big and large- these things can become multi dimensional when I relate them to sound…

small & loud

large & quiet

Then the dimensionality increases when I add a timeline-

Large & quiet over time festers or breeds a surprise to find later.

Small & loud can be quick, but the physical impact creates a fixed narrative.

Then I think about god. Smoky demon- ever changing mass- suspended in my view ahead and above me- holding many tools. And also there is a stove now. And they have a lot of soup pots… with now more additional smoke hands wielding other ladles.

And seeing that now makes me go:

“Oh. I am always creating. Thats why art… and releasing it. And transmuting its origins, and being light with it.

Maybe this smoke creates ash.

What is ash wednesday?

I don’t remember but maybe I’ll make Wednesday my day to symbolically wash ash from my hands- because all is smoke.

The smoke is smote me.

Is consciousness on fire?

Or did we put the fire out and now we need to open the windows?

Windows are a part of a structure; & the structure is a part of what made the smoke decide to busy itself.

If we go a step beyond opening a window & destroy the structures…

What then?

Will there be influence with such openness?

With the structure and container, we are forced into experience. Or was that a choice. *the song “we built this city!” enters my mind*

And without the structures we built, there is still the structures of Earth like the elements and magnetic poles.

… mmmmm… It feels good to not figure out.

It feels good to not make you exist in my house against your preference.

Its fun to find similarities with others and possibly emit a harmony together.

Witnessing these structures has seemed essential to understand where I come from. To learn my sensitivities… and to understand they aren’t anything more than a creation I constructed to exist in the structure.

I want my consciousness to moooooove down into my belly. And then I want to hug and make love with some one who is doing that too.

I want ease and joy and pleasure and mind expansive surprises that offer good and interesting feelings.

thanks for reading my thinking! this video is a real treat with sound on from start to finish.

ʷᵉ & ᵉᵛᵉʳʸᵗʰⁱⁿᵍ ᵃʳᵉ ⁿᵒᵗ ˢᵉᵖᵃʳᵃᵗᵉ ᶠʳᵒᵐ ⁿᵃᵗᵘʳᵉ 〠_〠